If you are to ask the typical American 50 years ago whether there is such a thing as married but lonely, that person would probably laugh at your face. Your question would have bordered on the offensive. That’s how sacrosanct married life, and by extension, the concept of fidelity was to most Americans in our parents’ generation. Well, things have definitely changed. Now we’re in the world of mobile hookups and dating apps and lonely housewife reality TV shows. In fact, the whole idea of long-term fidelity is beginning to look a little bit worn around the edges.
There’s something definitely going on as far as demographic trends not just in the United States but in Western Europe in general. Even more progressive cities and demographics in parts of the developing world are reconsidering previous long-held assumption regarding marriage and fidelity. Here are some factors to pay attention to.
The reality of modern American marriages
The whole concept of married but lonely really stems from the fact that modern American marriages are not what they used to be. In fact, a lot of couples now first shack up before they get married. Not surprisingly, these marriages often end up in failure a few years down the road. In fact, according to study after study, if you shacked up with somebody and ended up marrying them your chances of actually getting a divorce are much higher than if you didn’t shack up before you got married.
This really reveals a lot about shifting American ideas regarding intimacy, fidelity and the whole idea of a long-term commitment. You have to remember that for the longest time there was a happy truce between the twin American values of freedom and responsibility and commitment. They used to be equal. But now it seems that freedom has the upper hand, and increasingly freedom is really all about being able to make and break commitments over the long haul. After all how free can you be when you are chained to somebody for the rest of your life. At least this is the thinking of people who are redefining the concept of American commitment.
The bottom line is that people want more options. They equate being free with having a lot of options on the table. How can you have an option when you’re going to be forced by the law and social traditions to remain faithful to somebody until one of you dies. Do you see how this works? It’s no surprise then that the whole concept of fidelity and the American worship of the concept of freedom are clashing against each other. Something has to give and it’s obvious from the high divorce rates as well as the increase in the dating demographic of married but lonely which value is winning.
The bottom line is that people want to feel that they have more power over their lives. We have reached that stage in the needs hierarchy where we no longer have to worry about food on our table or our health or shelter. We’re no longer worried about love and intimacy and the need for power and social validation and social status. We’re looking for something more. We’re looking for personal transcendence. We’re looking for a deep and profound sense that we actually exercise a lot of power over our lives and unfortunately a lot of people equate this need with the need to have so many options that they can essentially turn their back on marriage. That’s the reality. It doesn’t really matter whether I agree with this or not. This is the reality on the ground about all those older sexy women.
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